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Dec. 21st, 2004 10:08 pm As of Now

It's been a while since I've been out in the open... Usually I hide away from the crowds of people whom always seem to be staring at me, always seeing something wrong with me, or alot of the time wanting nothing to do with me.. Which I actually assume is for the better of things.. Better to be nonexistant than an existing freak as I see it.

I actually found this pile of books in the damp of the jungle, while other people hide from some stupid animal that doesn't even exist I've found a perfect little hideout.. It's safe there... near the running waterfall, down the creek where no one travels anymore... There's books.. parts of a plane.. and books... I can read you know... Pretty well... Right now I'm reading this book called 'The Shipping News', but half of it is missing... I feel like the guy in it sometimes, Quoyle.. No one knows about Quoyle do they?

I met this guy... A day or so back.. by accident.. I bumped into him.. I thought he was going to hit me... He says his name is Charlie... He didn't hit me... But then again I haven't seen him since, he's the guy who's powder I have in my pocket...

I wish I knew where Jack was... No.. I won't give in... I can take this.... I CAN TAKE IT...

I can't do this...

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Oct. 24th, 2004 01:22 pm Been Here Too Long

People always staring at me... like I'm a freak.. people always expecting me to like, turn into an alien and burst through someone's chest while singing 'the Hanukah song'... or something.... Some follow me, which is actually a bit more intimdating than the staring, because the one's who follow me treat me like a lab experiment.. I don't blame them, I would too...

I wish for once I could talk to somebody... and by talk I mean... willingly spend some time with somebody who could talk all they want, and maybe I could just listen? It sounds stupid, but I'm good at that... I believe I know more about the people here than ANY passenger here.. 48 people... no... 47... I forget... That sounds awful but, I don't know when people disapear.... only about the ones that are afraid of me, sometimes follow me... I hear the rumors.. There haven't been any jokes or immitations yet, so I suppose thats good..

I wish I had a purpose.. I wish I had a reason.. But I don't... I am fully capable of talking... but I won't... Alot of things I probably have in my control I simply don't do..

My hands were shaking earlier...I nearly downed the last of my pills, I was supposed to get new ones in California... But of course.. I won't... I'm worried...

I have charlie's bag still... I won't throw it away, because he'll probably begin snorting the sand for it.. it's safe with me

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Oct. 10th, 2004 10:10 pm A Quiet Reminder

Don't underestimate me... I could suprise you...

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Oct. 8th, 2004 10:50 am Day 2

It seems longer than 2 days, it really does. After a day of silence I now find I have two blonde women following me around. Like there isn't a whole bunch of other seats they can sit on besides my own? They seem to want something from me, or just want to rub it in my face they were graced with such things that I can, or could never, have. Speaking, families... I find it odd that no one seems focused on surviving on this island, only whom they can have an 'affair' with next. The bloated one who claims to have a child inside of her, is already taken with the man I assume to be the one with the.. 'problem'. I won't write what because if this should fall into the wrong hands, he'll get into a whole mess.. He has no idea... The drugs are an escape, they were for my mum anyways.. but they have affects! Look at me..! Look at where I am now!

I need to find this doctor everyone's talking about... He needs to monitor my pills.. with all this stress I've been taking way more than I need, nor the amount my body is able to handle. At times here, during the first day, when it was really hot and everyone was yelling and screaming, and talking all at once, I couldn't move.. I couldn't even elevate my chest to breath.. it is so strange. Will I die here? Will my mother have her wish come true long distance?

I don't want to die here.. alone.. I've always been alone... Always... This Claire woman, the bloated one, she took my hand in hers, and it didn't result in slapping or violence. First type of contact I've had that didn't result in pain... It's... just so hard.. I trapped myself inside and now I can't get out...

Charlie saw me staring again... just now... I don't mean to, but it's hard when you know something. I think he knows I know... I think it makes him uneasy that one with no voice can know.. He hasn't spoken to me yet.. maybe I am not worthy of such things from anyone..

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Oct. 3rd, 2004 02:57 pm Day 1

My mom dropped me off today at the airport, I think she was glad to finally be rid of me.

She never did favor me, I am in no competition to her pills, the plant, the drugs.. I'm beginning to think the only reason she kept me was because of the pills sent to keep me from going into arrest. At first she didn't fear that, and I doubt she would even care if the cops didn't check so often, but when I was around 5 she began stealing my pills, lying and saying I didn't need them anymore... turns out I did.. I went into a seizure in the living room. My mom just stood there, staring, high as a kite and watching. She wouldn't of cared until my dad came home to find me there and told her it was wrong.. but she was too coked up to even notice.. I was rushed to the hospital.. never spoke since.. I don't see the good of it.. No one would listen if I did.. My parents never did, unless I was speaking of drugs. I remember them dragging me down to Eckerds, just to get extra pills, enough for me.. and them.. I was their meal ticket..

So now comes the time, when in my world of silence I am announced to be sent to my aunts. My parents dubbed me a difficult child, though I really was not. I just wouldn't speak, and how is that difficult? They never minded before.. So I was dropped off at the airport, my mom shoved me my only bag.. my dufflebag with the New York Yankees symbol and left me with my ticket.. And I made the mistake of my life (besides being born).. I got on the plane...

The stewardess was very kind to me, though she was caught a bit off guard when I couldn't 'tell' her my seat number, so I just flashed her my ticket instead. The plane took off and I did my best as I sat next to this fat man, I shut my eyes, just trying to get away from it all when I heard this rapping against a seat handle.

I looked over and there was a man, moving uncomofortably back and forth, rapping his fingers. The nice stewardess attempted to intervene but he asked her to go away.. I recognized this.. the tone... I knew it all.. withdrawal... My eyes were on him, he saw me, and I think I made him uncomfortable for he made a comment and looked away. But, knowing me, I still stared I knew.. and he knew I knew.. for he soon took off, No doubt spooked by me..

I noticed someone chasing him, the stewardess as well.. I unbuckled my seat belt, in an attempt to help.. then it happened...

It felt like I was being sucked into a hole... Like some giant socked me one in the gut.. I flew back into the chair. I could feel a wet substance go down my forehead, but still, I forced myself into an empty seat.. buckled myself in. Saw the withdrawal man, grabbed his hand as the back rear of the plane ripped off, keeping him in, but then our fingers lost touch... I remember opening my mouth but no sound came out.. it never does... then darkness

I was pulled from the wreckage by a man, he claimed to be a doctor. I helped with the grouping, I pulled me things from the wreck, we formed a camp. No one has spoken to me yet, nor have i seen much of anyone. I'm basically hidden behind a seat from the plane. No one cares about the silent one..

I haven't found my pills yet...

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